I was actually happily surprised that I got as much sleep as I did last night without the Seroquel. I was able to sleep roughly three hours when I was expecting none. Still not enough to feel very functional during the day, but I hope I can eventually build up the hours I am able to sleep during the night. I awoke around 7 AM and promptly showered and put on my light-therapy visor which features a 10,000 lux light pointing directly into your pupils to try to loudly tell your brain "HEY! It's DAYTIME. Start making those circadian rhythm proteins." I have felt like napping during the day, but where I work there is no means or opportunity, which is probably for the best when trying to establish a rhythm.
In the mornings I would normally take three drugs: Levothyroxine, Inderal and Provigil. Provigil is a stimulant normally used for shift-workers experiencing fatigue or people with narcolepsy, but a study came out not too long ago suggesting it works well for bipolar depression (bipolar depression is notoriously hard to treat because typical antidepressants usually should be avoided). Levothyroxine is a synthetic thyroid hormone. I do not have hypothyroidism, but this was another "last resort" medication my doctor prescribed to help lull me out of my depression and fatigue. Lastly, Inderal is a beta-blocker, normally used for high blood pressure, but it works magic for my migraines.
Of those three drugs, only one of them appears to work how it should and that is the Inderal. Provigil worked splendidly at first. I had energy, motivation, focus. I would come into work feeling alert and happy. But like most good things, the effects have faded nearly to oblivion. Funny that I have been on an anti-narcolepsy drug, yet feel as if I could fall asleep at any time. The Levothyroxine, which I have taken for about three weeks, doesn't seem to do a damn thing and with my thyroid being already on the high side of normal, it makes me skeptical of whether it's really appropriate or safe for me to take it.
This morning I took the Inderal and skipped the others. I was told by my doctor I didn't necessarily have to titrate off of these drugs, so I am just stopping them. So how am I doing today...
Well, I'm f*cking tired, obviously. Irritable, unmotivated, unhappy. Those are pretty normal feelings for me anyway, but I can't really distinguish whether I am feeling these things because of the meds or the fatigue. It could very well be a combination. I don't imagine I will sort things out until I am sleeping regularly again.
Thursday, July 19, 2012
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
Day 1- sleepless
In the evenings I take Seroquel, 100mg, mostly so that I can sleep. I have been on Seroquel for about a decade or so and for most of that time I have taken 200mg. While I love feeling the warm embrace and sedation that comes with a dose of Seroquel, I am acutely aware of the eventual long-term risks associated with the drug. The two main risks are the development of diabetes and tardive dyskinesia (TD). The first one needs no explanation, but the TD is unheard of by a lot of people. TD is a condition associated with uncontrollable facial movements, such as lip smacking/pursing, chewing, blinking, etc... Once TD manifests itself, it is in most cases permanent even after cessation of the medication that triggered it. There are currently no effective treatments for TD; it causes major distress and embarrassment for those afflicted.
Fortunately I have neither developed diabetes nor TD... yet, but I do know that the risk of these complications rises for every year that I take Seroquel. I have tried every so often to stop the Seroquel, but it appears I am entirely dependent on the drug to maintain a diurnal sleep cycle. However, I have never tried going off of it for more than a week at a time. I expect to be awake most of the night tonight; getting perhaps an hour or so of sleep in the wee hours of the morning.
Fortunately I have neither developed diabetes nor TD... yet, but I do know that the risk of these complications rises for every year that I take Seroquel. I have tried every so often to stop the Seroquel, but it appears I am entirely dependent on the drug to maintain a diurnal sleep cycle. However, I have never tried going off of it for more than a week at a time. I expect to be awake most of the night tonight; getting perhaps an hour or so of sleep in the wee hours of the morning.
And so it begins...
I am languishing in my ever-present misery. I am sinking. I am drowning. I am never happy, I am never free, I am never who I wish to be. Half my life I tried and tried, and half my life I cried and cried. The solution, as it seems to me, is to begin again, as I used to be...
Tonight I made a decision and following that decision, I then decided to document the aftermath. I have no way of knowing with certainty what the outcome will be, but I have reached a point of desperation that calls for radical action. Tonight I stop taking my medications.
This requires some background, but I will be brief. Perhaps in future posts I shall delve into the nitty-gritty details of my tale, but for now I will keep things simple. Thirteen years ago, when I was thirteen years old, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and promptly given powerful medications. When one drug after another failed, the number of viable options grew smaller and smaller. Now, half a lifetime later, still plagued by debilitating mood swings, crippling depressions and a plethora of painful side effects, I have dealt the last hand.
I toyed around with the idea of stopping the medications off and on for the last year or so, as I got to the bottom of the barrel of drug options. I thought more about it when at one, very low point my doctor suggested I try electroconvulsive therapy. You must be very bad off to try such a thing. I thought about it even more as I have grown more and more fatigued and more and more weary, despite being on a strong stimulant and a thyroid medication. I began to think, what am I doing to myself? What am I doing to my brain? I feel as if my neurons are percolating in an olio of artificial junk and they are struggling just to fire anymore. Is my brain even capable of producing enough serotonin anymore? Will I ever sleep again, unaided by heavy sedatives?
My brain was subjected to intense chemical assaults during my sensitive developmental years, and I fear that the unknowns associated thereof and the long-term affects of psychoactive drugs may have irreparably damaged my brain's ability to regulate mood, emotions, sleep patterns, etc... Since the age of thirteen, my brain and my body have never been without these drugs. I feel with the constant flow of failures, it is time to give my brain a break, a chance to recover. I am not advocating that people with mental illness go off medications; I am fully aware that my case of total medication-resistance is uncommon. This is my journey, starting tonight.
Tonight I made a decision and following that decision, I then decided to document the aftermath. I have no way of knowing with certainty what the outcome will be, but I have reached a point of desperation that calls for radical action. Tonight I stop taking my medications.
This requires some background, but I will be brief. Perhaps in future posts I shall delve into the nitty-gritty details of my tale, but for now I will keep things simple. Thirteen years ago, when I was thirteen years old, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and promptly given powerful medications. When one drug after another failed, the number of viable options grew smaller and smaller. Now, half a lifetime later, still plagued by debilitating mood swings, crippling depressions and a plethora of painful side effects, I have dealt the last hand.
I toyed around with the idea of stopping the medications off and on for the last year or so, as I got to the bottom of the barrel of drug options. I thought more about it when at one, very low point my doctor suggested I try electroconvulsive therapy. You must be very bad off to try such a thing. I thought about it even more as I have grown more and more fatigued and more and more weary, despite being on a strong stimulant and a thyroid medication. I began to think, what am I doing to myself? What am I doing to my brain? I feel as if my neurons are percolating in an olio of artificial junk and they are struggling just to fire anymore. Is my brain even capable of producing enough serotonin anymore? Will I ever sleep again, unaided by heavy sedatives?
My brain was subjected to intense chemical assaults during my sensitive developmental years, and I fear that the unknowns associated thereof and the long-term affects of psychoactive drugs may have irreparably damaged my brain's ability to regulate mood, emotions, sleep patterns, etc... Since the age of thirteen, my brain and my body have never been without these drugs. I feel with the constant flow of failures, it is time to give my brain a break, a chance to recover. I am not advocating that people with mental illness go off medications; I am fully aware that my case of total medication-resistance is uncommon. This is my journey, starting tonight.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)